My Angsty Rant

So I've come to a point in my life where I'm forced to make some major re-assessments. I'm now buried under 14 credit hours of school and a new job. Because of this, I have to drop my Symphonic Band for the time being. I don't make this decision lightly. I will miss it desperately, but I simply can't afford the time, let alone the gas. Also, I'm having to take a good look at myself. I'm trying some new goals this semester: straight As, exercise, and writing schedule being my foremost priorities.

I'm coming to realize that I don't spend time with my friends and family, and when I do, I come off as either aloof, stuck up, over-stressed, or condescending. For this, I apologize, but it's difficult to go through college with my chosen major. It's alienated me from most of the people I enjoy spending time with, because my academics are the only things I have left to talk about, and no one enjoys listening to my confusing techno-babble.

I miss my sisters terribly, and I don't spend nearly as much time with them as I would like, simply because I can't afford to. This is compounded by the fact that I hate talking on the phone. If I talk to someone, it really needs to be via text (letters, email, txt messages) or face-to-face. I am simply not an auditory person. I can't afford a lot of things. Gas, food, and money for rent are becoming luxuries that I simply can't afford. I'm doing my best, but my best falls just short of breaking even.

If that's not enough, the few times I can make time for my friends and family, there always seems to be drama. The one exception to this is my oldest sister, who seems to know telepathically that I really just need someone to lean on, and someone who listens. I have enough chaos in my life without worrying about my family's health, whether I can make it to a football game, or that one of my siblings doesn't like one of our in-laws. I am not a sounding board for the petty angst of our family, and it bugs me that everyone seems to find me to be a neutral party that they can complain to about everyone else in their lives. I have enough drama and angst all on my own. Please, don't give me any more. Thank you. Time with my family and my friends is supposed to be my escape from my own reality. I would rather not have to take on yours, as well. I'm sorry if that's callous, but it's the way I feel.

I miss the good old days of being able to call up a friend and make plans to meet at the movies in half an hour. I miss being able to talk to my loved ones without my own guilt bubbling to the surface because I can't help. I miss not having to rely financially on people who can barely afford to support themselves, let alone me, too. I miss being able to have a fun-but-deep conversation between two people about any subject, not just the latest gossip of who's screwed who over this week, or who has what health problem, or who might just keel over and die from some random disease from Malaysia this month.

So I'm putting my foot down. This semester, I will live for myself. I will do right by me, so I can afford to do right by others. I will make no apologies for the way I live, and if I disappear off the map, it's because I've discovered what's best for me may not be on it. I am living my life for me, because if I try to do more, I just won't make it through college, and that is quite simply not an option.